I'm not even going to try and lie about it. Our new life is really, really hard. I was just telling Michael today that I feel like we don't have time for anything anymore. Im not even working full time right now and I feel like there is just never enough time to get everything done. We are always driving to and from the hospital, or walking to and from the parking garage, or doing laundry and dishes and all the regular normal day things that everyone does. I just feel like I blink and it's already 11pm and nothing has been done. And when I say 'nothing' I mean the normal everyday things. Allie is all that matters and its so hard trying to fit everything else into the day now.
I feel like I'm being spread thin. I feel like I'm not paying enough attention to people and things who need attention and not making enough time for things. I don't want to lose myself in all this and some days I feel like that's exactly what's happening.
And please don't get me wrong, as hard as it is, I wouldn't trade it for anything because it's a life that Allie is still in. I know I have so much to be thankful for.
I think NICU life is just finally chipping away at me. I'm happy to have been doing as well as I have. I try my best to keep a positive attitude and to maintain some kind of normalcy...but Ive been struggling the last few days. I'm letting a lot of things bring me down and stress me out and it's so not worth it. Just little stupid things that shouldn't even bother me...it sucks. I just said in a previous post to not sweat the small stuff and make sure what you get upset about is worth the energy and I'm doing the exact opposite right now. I'm hoping its just a little rut that I need to come out of.
It's just a big mess right now. I need to organize my life and sadly I don't think that's going to happen until Allie finally comes home. I just feel like life is a mess...chaotic...without her here.
:(
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ReplyDeleteI don't have any real advice and wouldn't dare say "It'll get better"- 'cause how many times have you heard that. But I do hope you feel better soon!
ReplyDeleteMy prayers are with you and Allie, sweetie <3
ReplyDeleteAwwww Mel, you're doing so great. You're one of the strongest people I know. It is hard. And it's ok to say it's hard and to fall apart if you need to. Lord knows I've wanted to fall apart MANY times and my situation is a cake-walk compared to yours. Hang in there and know that we love you and are here if you need anything at all. Except for dirty diapers when Allie gets home....that one's all yours mama. :)
ReplyDeleteLove you,
B
You know what? Who cares if things are chaotic in your life right now! The NICU days won't last forever, and so many things will wait until you've found your footing. When you look back, the NICU may seem like a blink of an eye. Be where you need to be and ignore the rest!
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